Imperatives On The Airplane

While sitting in the long metal tube six miles above the planet on my return flight home from New Jersey last week, I ran out of things to read.  More precisely, I had gone through all the reading material I had brought with me (Escape From Camp 14 and Rose Under Fire).  My active mind began casting about for something to feed on.  I soon realized there are a lot of instructions stuck in various locations on aircraft.

Warning: stand clear of hazard areas while engine is running.

Fortunately, as I had a wing seat, I was neither in front of nor behind the engine.  Not sure what that said about the safety of the other passengers.  But, as long as they don't step outside during flight, they will avoid this potential catastrophe (*Incredibles*).

Fasten seat belt while seated

Presumably this is for those people who try to fasten their seat belt while standing clear of the hazard areas.  Who else would try to fasten a seat belt while NOT seated?

Earn Miles with Biscoff (the crunchy in-flight snack cookie)

Okay.  Suppose someone actually took this seriously.  Imagine the dialogue between the flight attendant and the passenger:

"Sir, I just gave you 10 packages of cookies!"

"I know, but I just need 32 more to earn my next free flight," mumbled Mr. Jones as he stuffed another cookie in his mouth and another wrapper into the seat pocket in front of him.

THE LAVATORY (a.k.a. - restroom)

The MOST IMPORTANT THING is No Smoking in Lavatory as evidenced by the large type and bright red 'no cigarettes' symbol.  Because, cigarette smoke must smell worse than, well, that other stuff you smell in the lavatory.

Why only say 'Please' when telling someone to lock the door?  I mean, is it optional?  I don't want anyone busting in on me while I'm in there, that is for certain.

Open door slowly as there is a crowd waiting outside by the time you are halfway into the flight and some of them are doing the dance and if you bump them there might be an accident.

Latch door closed during taxi, takeoff and landing.  What are you doing in there during takeoff and landing in the first place?  In case you hadn't noticed, there is no seat belt in the lavatory.  

Do not drop bathroom tissue on the floor.  Oh, you didn't see that sign?  That's because the airline is too embarrassed to mention the state of the lavatory after 2 hours in the air.  For any number of reasons I do not want to pick that tissue up for you, nor do I want it stuck to my shoes when I trudge back to my seat where I will stand clear of the hazards, belt myself in, and earn more miles eating cookies.