Be Still

For decades of my adult life, I have tried to do the right things that I thought would please God.  Now, I am simply tired.  Tired of trying to please God by aligning my church involvement to fit a  denominational (or better yet 'non-denominational') flavor of Christianity.

You'll be a better Christian if you speak in tongues.  No can do.  Tried real hard and even faked it once to get out of an extended edition altar call.

You'll be a better Christian if you are a small group bible study leader.  Have done this and was thankful for the experience.  But I did find that most people, including me, just need honest friends, not another Bible study.

You'll be a better Christian if you go door-to-door witnessing.  Hated it.

You'll be a better Christian if you help us perform our slick, seeker-sensitive Sunday service.  Almost as galling as the slick business presentations at work.  Style over substance.

You'll be a better Christian if you are the patriarch of your family and a leader of a house church.  Way beyond my capabilities, but still gave it a shot.  So funny -- in retrospect.

You'll be a better Christian if you go on a international missions trip.  My trips outside the U.S. have been to Mexico and China and Wales.  Only one of those was explicitly a 'mission' and it was the one with the least relational impact.

I am not saying these actions of faith are not right for some believers some of the time or even right for many believers most of the time.  But I can say they were often not right for me.  At this point, I need a break from doing.  I just want to be.  To "be still and know" God.  To just sit in church and listen.  I want to be able to hear from GOD, not the din of well-intentioned people who need me to behave a certain way to affirm that their local program is the right one.

Christianity is about denying yourself and taking up your cross and following Christ.  And I have done the denying part for decades -- putting time and money into activities I only marginally wanted to participate in because I thought that was the right thing to do.  But, was I really following Jesus?  Maybe.

My most 'Christian' moments have been when God has dropped someone in my path who saw something of God in me (nothing less than a miracle) and asked a question.  And I responded.  A tiny seed was sown.  Only eternity will tell if it mattered.  But I experienced a sense of discipleship.

I have seen church leaders who waste the money that people have given, who spiritualize poor decisions as 'God working all things together for good', who are terribly nasty to each other at home, then paste on a smile for Sunday, who agree to do one thing then do another, who maliciously impugn the reputation of those who don't agree with them.  Where is truth and confession and forgiveness and grace and discipleship in all this?  I don't have the answer.

Conversely, I have blessed friendships with fellow believers that are immeasurably valuable to me.  Friends who I know would literally give me anything they had if they thought I needed it.  Who show Christ to me.  They are a treasure.

But, I intend to stop trying to impress God and his followers with my visible works and just be faithful to serve in the places I know I am called: my job and my home.  And let the Father who sees the secret things of the heart handle the rest.